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Episode 42 Future Planning for the Final Days – Part 1 of 2

Episode 42 Future Planning for the Final Days – Part 1 of 2

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All is well with my Zen Master and Zen Mum. ♥️ Through the really tough days of COVID, we all came out the other side stronger and grateful for all blessings in our lives. The hardships put everything into perspective, which is the inspiration for today’s episode. It’s a hard subject to talk about but it needs to be done in order to bring peace in the final days. ⁠
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In this part 1 podcast episode of a 2 part series, we begin future planning for the final days. Today’s episode is kicking off the planning.⁠

Links to Resources Cited on the Episode:

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TRANSCRIPT: 

Hello! Welcome to the Sally in the Zen podcast. I’m your host, Sally. I’m a Zen Buddhist caregiver taking care of my elderly folks and always in pursuits to find Zen moments in everyday living. If you’re new to the podcast, welcome. If you’re not new, and you’re returning, welcome back.

Now today’s episode is something that kind of spun off of a recent situation that we just went through with Mom and Dad. And I’m giving you a forewarning now that this topic if you haven’t already gleaned the content from the title of the episode. The topic today is going to be very serious, and it might have a trigger for you. So I’m giving you advance notice now. You can take this as your cue to turn off this episode and I’ll talk to you again next time. 

But for those of you who are interested, let’s get started. 

And let me put on my normal disclaimer that what I say on today’s episode no one’s paying me to say what I’m saying so that we’re pretty clear about that.

The inspiration for today’s episode actually is a life lesson that we learned having gone through a pandemic. And although by Chinese standards, it’s not a very good subject to talk about. It’s actually a bad juju to talk about it because of superstition and because of mindset about the final days, about one’s mortality. 

It’s still a subject that needs to be spoken about in order to have proper arrangements done. And Mom and Dad are pretty progressive in that part 0 where it’s a tough subject to talk about but once we talk about it and plan for it, it’s kind of like one and done. And we know that in the end, they’ll be taking care of. And it’s clearer for me because since I’ll be the one doing all the taking care of their final remains, when I have a clear idea of what their expectations are then I won’t screw it up, you know. So. That’s the last thing I want to have happened when I take care of them on those final days. I just want to make sure that I do my duty and do it right and do it well so they ultimately can move on and, God willing, rest in peace.

First off, let’s just be clear. They are safe and sound. They are happy and hardy and healthy, thank goodness. The backstory is that when I sign them up to get their COVID vaccinations –  and here in the United States, here in the State of PA specifically, we went through the pipeline to go ahead and get their shots. Shot number one and hot number two. 

And I do have to say that the County made it really, really easy to get these things done. Because when they have reached out to us to confirm the date and schedule for coming in to get the first shot, they had already scheduled our second shot on the calendar, which would be 3 weeks from the first shot. So they made it really easy. Just show up, roll up your sleeve, and then go. Shot number two happened this past Saturday, which is, what, today is Sunday – Sunday, March 14th. It happens yesterday on the 13th so I’m pretty happy that they’re fully vaccinated and protected.

How the topic for today came about was when Dad got his COVID one shot – and mom and dad got it at the same time – you have to wait three weeks for the second shot – during last week, Pop was starting to feel kind of funny. He was dizzy. He was lightheaded for most of maybe two-three days. And I, of course, had notified his doctor about this and keep him under watch but aside from that, no aches, no pains. It was just the dizzy spells.

Whenever Zen Master feels funny, he gets into a funk. It’s like a little gray cloud just forms over his head. And he’s thinking negative thoughts and he’s just… he’s just not himself. So he had asked that, God forbid, if something were to happen that he be buried.

Let me give a little color and context of this. We already had, years ago, completed a living will. And it’s called Five Wishes. 

Now if you’ve been following my podcast, you would know by now that I’m a forward-looking person and I would like to be organized and to plan out things. Now you can go back to my earlier episode in first quarter of 2020, where I talk about preparedness. Where as their caregiver I have signed papers with them for POAs, for healthcare POAs, for wills, and all this other stuff. So included in those documents preparation was a living will. And specifically, it’s called Five Wishes. 

You can Google more information about Five Wishes but it’s a living will. And it names a healthcare POA who takes care of you when you’re no longer able to take care of yourself, and directions of how you want to be buried, if you want to be cremated. But there’s questions in there that you answer, very simply, yes or no or strike out some paragraphs that you don’t want. It’s a very easy form to fill out. Now depending on the state where you live the living will may need additional paperwork as per state requirements. But for all intents and purposes, this easy living will called Five Wishes answers all of the basic questions and can be notarized and/or witness depending on your state’s requirement.

So we had completed that years and years ago, and Pop had opted to be cremated. During the last week when he was not feeling well he changed his mind. He said he actually wanted to be buried. Now a simple wish like that translates into new paperwork needing to be signed and I double-checked about this, I’m like, are you sure about this because we do need to do new paperwork? And he was like, yeah I do, I want to be buried. 

That’s a whole new ball game. I don’t know a thing about that because I spent all that time researching on cremation because that’s what he wanted. Now I have a new pet project which is to educate myself on the logistics of how to go about burying him. 

We’re in the State of PA for the last 7 years we’ve lived here. We’ve always lived in Maryland and I think I said this before. But in this state, I never bothered to research on what the steps are for an actual burial. So the long and short of it is his wishes opened up another discussion of their final days. And it might be morbid where we’re talking about this now but it’s also preparing. Because when those fateful days come and I have to take care of all of that, I’d rather be educated in the details of what I need to do next versus just being blindsided. Because in those situations in my personal opinion, ignorance is not blessed. Not to say I need to know 100% of what I need to do. At least I’m familiar with what I can expect so have a good idea what to do. So, hence, research.

I can tell you that, in all transparency, in all of my 50 years I’ve been to two and the very first one –  that was an experience. Because during my early years of working, when I used to live in Maryland, one of my bosses… I really don’t remember who in his family had passed on. His mother, his brother, I really don’t remember. But he was Jewish and because I was part of his team, we all had to go to the funeral.

Now I remember this specifically where I was telling Zen Master about this and he pitched such a fit because it wasn’t appropriate for me – a non-family member – to go to the funeral. And it wasn’t just going to pay respects to a person I didn’t even know, going to the service, of sitting in the church. My boss wanted us to be at the burial site in the cemetery and my father – he was so upset about that but at that time I didn’t have a choice. And I…I wasn’t any wiser back then. When you’re younger, you are just, you know, deer in the headlights kind of thing. You’re not… you just don’t know, and I just followed what my team did. 

And I remember very vividly being at the gravesite and because it was a Jewish ceremony, the casket was just a simple wood. And the family members lowered the casket into the ground. And keep in mind again, I didn’t know the family. I don’t even remember who passed on, but the moment they started lowering the casket into the ground, I lost it. I was a complete hot mess. But yeah that was my first experience going to a funeral.

So, yeah. This first part of this two-part series will be about the research because I really don’t know anything about burying anyone. Because we had just planned for cremation and then dispersed the ashes into the ocean. But now since that’s changed, I need to prep for cremation either burying into the ground with a little headstone or putting it into a …I’m going to say it so wrong… column-borrow-your-barium… a columbarium. It’s like a mausoleum but instead for our body, it’s for the ashes, the cremation urn.

So yeah I started a little research on this and it’s tough to read and tough to take… and I’ll be straight up about this, when part two happens, which is going to be all about executing our plan, whatever we finally decide to do – but the preliminary questions that I need to get answers like the steps for the cremation. We have to decide what to do with the ashes, whether it’s going to go to a columbarium or if it’s going to be buried in the Earth with a small headstone. 

All of this has a cost factor but that’s the reality of this. And this is my jumping-off point for seeing how goes. Now when I come back with part two, I plan to finish up this series with the more definitive details of what exactly we’re doing, what did we do, and how it’s ultimately going to land.

As I started down the research rabbit hole for planning for an actual burial, I came across AARP’s Eight Tips for Funeral Planning – How to Make Smart Decisions and Arrangements. And let’s briefly go over this article.

  • Number one: learn what’s involved. So to plan a funeral you need to know what happens at a funeral.
  • Number two: plan in advance but don’t pay in advance. So funeral homes sell plans that promise better rates if you buy a package now years before a person passes on. But according to this article don’t do that. You can plan a funeral ahead of time without prepaying because planning is not the same thing as prepaying.
  • So, number three: find out the average cost. Because it’s different state by state.
  • Number four: shop around. Because the national medium cost for a funeral with burial being $7,500 as of 2019, you need to treat this like any other large purchase, according to this article.
  • Number five: understand the package deal. Funeral home sale packages of goods and services but sometimes there’s more wrapped into it than you want and you can actually pick it apart and choose what you need.
  • Number six: buy only what you want.
  • Number seven: consider joining a memorial society. I have no idea why anyone would want to do that, but the article says these nonprofit organizations offer price surveys of local burial homes and guidance and planning a funeral. Yeah, okay I got to think about that part.
  • Number eight: talk it over and write it down.

Now this is the, obviously, the bare basics of beginning to plan a funeral and this is actually where I’m going to stop with today’s episode.

Now we’ve reached the end of today’s episode. I hope you got something out of it. If you have any questions or comments, let me know. Send me an email to Sally@Sallyinthezen.com or you can DM me on Instagram under the same handle. And thank you very much for spending a few minutes of your time with me in pursuits to find Zen moments in everyday living. Talk to you later.

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